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The Right to Arm Turkeys

Turkeywithgun With word that the U.S. Supreme Court may decide the right of citizens to arm themselves, an unlikely alliance is hoping to push through a constitutional amendment that would extend the same right to farm animals -- in particular, turkeys. The animal rights organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has teamed up with the National Rifle Association to urge adoption of a law that would give winged and hooved animals the right to bear arms for their own protection and sport.

"Turkeys live in daily fear for their lives," explained animal-rights activist Paul P. Love. "We talk about free range, but most of these animals are afraid to step outside their shelters."

NRA spokesperson Ivanna Glock offered a slightly different reason for her support of the amendment. "Gun-toting turkeys -- bring 'em on! Let's make hunting a more equal test of wits, not weapons."

In a surprising turn of events, the nation's entertainment industry has come out strongly in support of the proposal to allow animals to bear arms. "This would end the writers' strike in a heartbeat," said a high-ranking industry executive who asked not to be named. "Animals armed with AK-47s would offer so much comic potential, the writers wouldn't be able to resist coming back to work."

Just one presidential candidate has taken a position on the proposal so far: Democratic hopeful Dennis Kucinich. While he generally favors strong gun control laws, his campaign office said, his interest in protecting the welfare of animals would lead him to support a modified amendment. Under the Kucinich plan, animals could obtain weapons only after undergoing extensive barnyard checks and talon-printing.

Opposition to the amendment comes from the National Association of Agricultural Lawyers, which cites the proposal's potential for causing injury to farmers and the possibility of internecine battles among livestock. "You try milking a bovine with a Beretta," said association president Bob Blacksheep.

Advocates are hoping to push through the amendment before next year's holiday season, said activist Love. "Let our elected officials prove that when it comes to animal rights, they're not just a bunch of turkeys -- oops, I mean jerks."

Posted by Robert J. Ambrogi on November 21, 2007 at 12:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)


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