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Judge Carton Rules: Four-Digit Prison Sentences and One-Named 'Milk-o-holics'

Welcome back to Judge Carton Rules, where a fake judge issues rulings to spare the parties to cases in which the outcome is obvious the time and expense of further litigation. Here is today's docket:

Case 1: In the awesome commercial below, the toddler girlfriend of the E-Trade baby demands to know if "that milk-o-holic Lindsay was over" at her boyfriend's house. Lindsay "You're So Vain, You Probably Think This Commercial Is About You" Lohan says that she “has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna,” and as such, the ad has misappropriated her "name and characterization.” She's asking for $100 million.

Judge Carton's ruling: Bwaaaah haaahaaaaahaaaaaa hahhaaaaa!! Wow. Good to laugh like that once in a while. Now get out of my fake courtroom, "Lindsay," and do not return. E-Trade's future Motion to Dismiss is GRANTED.

Case 2: On Monday, the Alhambra Superior Court sentenced 35-year old serial bank robber Anthony Richard Cuellar (dubbed the "Mickey Mouse Bandit") to 1,948 years in prison for a nail salon robbery and eight bank heists in 2007.

Judge Carton's ruling: Even divided by 10, Cuellar's sentence is still 40-plus years longer than Bernard Madoff's 150-year sentence. Cuellar's future motion to modify the sentence is hereby GRANTED and the sentence is reduced by 1,800 years, down to 148 years.

Court is dismissed.

Posted by Bruce Carton on March 10, 2010 at 01:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)


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